Parenting the Child You Weren't Expecting: Welcome to Holland

When my son was in elementary school, before we understood his twice-exceptionality, I had a very wise friend named Katherine who shared an important piece of literary work from the disability community with me.

It's an essay called "Welcome to Holland," and it was written by Emily Perl Kingsley, an American writer and social activist who joined the Sesame Street team in 1970. Her son Jason Kingsley was born with Down syndrome in 1974. Her experiences with Jason inspired her to include people with disabilities into the Sesame Street cast.

This essay captures the experience of parenting a child who is not quite what you expected -- not less, but different. It also provides comfort to parents struggling to accept their situations. Whether your child is four years old or 40, this piece will resonate with you.

I am reprinting it here with the author's explicit and generous permission. Thank you, Emily!

Welcome To Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley

© 1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this……

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland.”

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Key Takeaways

• Parents can hold two truths at once: deep love for their child and real grief about the life they expected.

• Acceptance doesn’t require pretending things are easy; it often starts with naming what was lost and why it matters.

• Comparison with other families can intensify pain; it helps to focus on your child’s needs, strengths, and path.

• Many parents benefit from finding people who truly understand this experience, because support reduces isolation.

• Over time, it can become possible to notice real positives in the life you have, even if you would never have chosen it.

FAQs About Parenting the Child You Weren't Expecting

Is it “wrong” to grieve when you love your child?

No. Grief usually reflects the loss of a hoped-for future, not a lack of love. Many parents feel sadness, anger, or envy at times and still be deeply devoted and compassionate caregivers.

Why does the pain come back even years later?

Because new life stages can bring new reminders of what you expected—school transitions, friendships, independence milestones, adult living, and more. A returning wave of sadness doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means something meaningful is being stirred up again.

How can I stop comparing my family to other families?

Comparison is normal, especially when you feel alone. What helps is noticing when comparison is happening, naming the feeling underneath it (often grief or fear), and then returning to concrete questions: “What does my child need right now?” and “What’s the next realistic step for our family?”

What does acceptance look like in real life?

Acceptance often looks like making decisions based on your child’s actual needs and strengths (not what “should” be), building supports that reduce daily stress, and creating goals that fit your family’s values. It’s not a single moment—it’s a process.

What if I can’t find anything positive right now?

That can be a sign of overload, burnout, or ongoing stress. In that state, “finding the good” can feel impossible and even invalidating. The first step may be getting support, reducing pressure, and rebuilding your own capacity—then perspective often shifts naturally.

If this piece brought up grief, guilt, or exhaustion, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to carry it by yourself. Thrive Autism Coaching helps parents of autistic teens and adults find calmer footing, clearer next steps, and a stronger relationship while building independence over time.

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About the Author

Patty Laushman is the founder and head coach of Thrive Autism Coaching. An expert in the transition to adulthood for autistic emerging adults, she coaches parents in applying her SBN™ parenting framework to strengthen relationships and foster self-sufficiency through her Parenting for Independence program. Patty’s work is rooted in a neurodiversity-affirming, strengths-based approach that empowers both parents and autistic adults to thrive. She is also the author of the groundbreaking book, Parenting for Independence: Overcoming Failure to Launch in Autistic Emerging Adults.