By Patty Laushman
In part one of this two-part series on autism and failure to launch, I explained what the SBN™ parenting framework is and how it helps parents of autistic emerging adults activate their emerging adult’s intrinsic motivation, unlock their potential, and guide them toward a more meaningful and productive life.
I explained specifically how everything in the framework revolves around their goals for their life, which is one of the keys to activating their intrinsic motivation. This sometimes triggers concerns in parents. What if their goals seem unrealistic? What if they don’t have any goals at all? What if they aren’t making progress fast enough?
These are all normal worries, and the good news is that there are solutions. In this blog post, I will break down the most common concerns parents have and how to handle them in a way that keeps your child moving forward while also reducing your own stress and frustration.
Concern #1: "What about my goals for their life?"
When an autistic emerging adult is failing to launch, many parents struggle with the idea that their child’s goals might not match what they hoped and dreamed for them. There is often grief around realizing that your child’s journey through life is not what you imagined it would be.
Maybe you always assumed they would go to college, but they don’t seem interested or motivated like their siblings. Maybe you want them to get a stable full-time job, but they’re focused instead on a hobby or part-time work or “relaxing.” What if you envisioned them attending a state college, but they’ve just announced they want to go to college not only out of state but outside the country (yes, this happened twice to me during coaching with clients) and you are TERRIFIED about what could happen to them!
In my experience…
There is usually more overlap than you think. The timeline and order of priorities might just be different from your preferences or expectations.
Focusing on their goals first doesn’t mean abandoning yours. In fact, if you focus on their goals first, yours will typically get met over time.
How to handle it:
Get curious! Instead of shutting down their goals, ask open-ended questions like:
“How did you come up with this idea?”
“How do you see this working long-term?”
“Would you like to explore options related to this?”
Look for ways to find common ground. If they love gaming, maybe they’d be open to exploring careers in game development, digital marketing, or streaming. If they love animals, they might be interested in creating a pet-sitting business or veterinary assisting. Ultimately, the more you support what they want for themself, the more motivated they will be to go after it.
The bottom line: Starting with their goals activates intrinsic motivation and makes them feel respected and understood by you. As they gain confidence and skills, they often become more open to additional possibilities—including the ones you hoped they’d consider.
If you’re enjoying this, you might be interested in my upcoming book “Parenting for Independence: Overcoming Failure to Launch in Autistic Emerging Adults.” The book goes deep into how to apply the framework. You can sign up to stay in the know about what's happening here!
Concern #2: "What if they don’t have any goals?"
Some parents worry because their autistic emerging adult seems aimless, unmotivated, or uninterested in the future. If this is the case, there’s always an underlying reason, and identifying the issue(s) is the next step in solving the problem.
Here are some common reasons an autistic emerging adult might struggle to set goals—and what you can do to help.
1. They May Lack Confidence
Repeated failures or struggles can lead to learned helplessness, where they stop believing they can succeed, so why bother setting goals?
✅ What helps:
Start small. Instead of big goals like getting a job, focus on small, achievable steps like filling out one job application or researching just three career options on the O*NET OnLine website.
Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small. How you celebrate depends on your child’s personality. Some live for parental affirmation, and some are horrified by it. If they don’t want you to say, “Good job!” tune them instead into how they feel about themself. “How do you feel about yourself having completed that long application? You really stuck with it. That must feel good.”
2. They May Be Too Overwhelmed
Burnout, anxiety, or depression can make even thinking about the future feel impossible. Think about this. If I’m drowning in the ocean, and you sail by in a sailboat and ask me where I want to be in five years, I’m going to scream at you to throw me a rope rather than answer your question!
✅ What helps:
Before pushing for goals, make sure they are not struggling with burnout, defense mode, or mental health challenges.
If they are in one of these states, recovery comes first—forcing action before they’re ready will only strain your relationship and backfire.
Offer low-pressure activities to help them re-engage with life or access to professionals who can help before working on bigger goals.
3. They May Lack Clarity
Some autistic individuals struggle to translate their interests into goals. They might know they love history but not realize it could become a career.
✅ What helps:
Offer a “menu” of possible goals related to their interests.
Help them connect with people in fields that match their interests for informational interviews.
4. They May Be Too Comfortable
I frequently see a pattern where the emerging adult experiences challenges in their life, and they start resisting everything that is outside their comfort zone. Parents push because they intuitively know it’s not good to let the cycle continue, but the parent becomes confused about what they can and can’t do because their capacity literally varies day-to-day, and parents end up giving in because pushing causes dramatic resistance.
Over time, the emerging adult’s life inevitably gets very small, and the parent ends up doing too much for them because they literally don’t know when to push and when to let things slide. Wanting to be a good parent, they take care of their child’s daily needs, but then everyone ends up stuck and unhappy.
✅ What helps:
Set healthy boundaries around what you will and won’t do that encourage progress while maintaining support.
Shift responsibilities over time to increase their independence gradually.
Strategically nudging them outside their comfort zone so they can be exposed to new things and discover their passions.
The bottom line: No one is truly “goal-less.” They may just need help finding goals that feel manageable and meaningful to them, or they may need to recover from more pressing concerns such as burnout or mental health challenges.
Concern #3: "What if their goal is unrealistic?"
If your child suddenly announces they want to be a famous actor, a professional gamer, or a YouTube millionaire, you might feel panicked. One of the biggest mistakes parents make when their autistic emerging adult expresses interest in a seemingly unrealistic or impulsive goal is to immediately shut it down.
It’s understandable—you don’t want them wasting time or setting themselves up for disappointment. But dismissing their ideas too quickly can damage trust, increase resistance, decrease confidence, squelch motivation, and make them double down on an unworkable plan just to prove a point.
Instead of saying, “That won’t work,” or “That’s not realistic,” a far more effective approach is what I call: “Enthusiastically Running Down Dead-End Alleys.”
This means leaning into their idea with curiosity, helping them explore it, and allowing them to gather enough real-world information to make their own informed decision.
How This Works in Action
Let’s say your emerging adult decides they want to be an interior designer after playing with a decorating app on their phone. You’re pretty sure this isn’t a great career path for them, but instead of arguing, you lean in with curiosity.
✅ Instead of saying: “That’s not practical.”
👍 Say: “That’s interesting! Let’s find out more about what being an interior designer is really like.”
Why this works:
✅ Communicates that you respect their autonomy and interests
✅ Encourages critical thinking and self-discovery
✅ Helps them learn from experience rather than feeling forced into decisions
✅ Strengthens your relationship because they feel heard rather than dismissed
Let’s look at what this looks like in real life.
Case Study: Riley’s Interior Design Career Plan
Riley had previously pursued a degree in culinary arts, but after experiencing burnout at school, they became disengaged from their studies. One day, they discovered a home decorating app and decided they wanted to become an interior designer instead.
Step 1: Listen Without Judgment
If Riley’s mother or I had immediately dismissed this idea as impulsive or unrealistic, we risked:
🚫 Riley feeling unheard and invalidated.
🚫 Them digging in deeper out of defensiveness.
🚫 Straining our relationship and closing the door to productive discussion.
Instead, as Riley’s autism life coach, I enthusiastically leaned in:
👍 “That sounds really interesting!
👍 “What made you decide this?
Step 2: Encourage Real-World Exploration
Instead of debating whether this was a good career choice, I suggested gathering more information because declaring a change in college major:
💡 “Before you commit, it might be helpful to talk to someone who actually works in interior design. I have a friend in the field who would be happy to chat with you about what her job is like.”
Riley was intrigued but not pressured. They agreed to an informational interview, and together we created a list of questions to ask.
Step 3: Let Reality Do the Teaching
During the interview, Riley quickly realized that the job was not what they expected. The day-to-day work involved:
❌ More business and client management than creativity
❌ Long hours with unpredictable pay
❌ Less hands-on design work than they had imagined
After just one conversation, Riley decided interior design wasn’t for them. They returned to their original goal of culinary arts with renewed clarity and motivation.
If we had dismissed the idea outright, Riley might have spent months pushing for this goal, feeling misunderstood, or even enrolling in a program that wouldn’t result in a rewarding and successful career. Instead, they discovered the truth for themself, which made the lesson far more impactful.
Why This Works (Even When They Still Choose the Wrong Path)
Sometimes even after running down a dead-end alley, your child won’t immediately change their mind. That’s okay! The goal isn’t to “win” or force them into the “right” decision—it’s to guide them toward experiences that help them learn and grow.
If they continue to pursue a plan that truly isn’t viable, you can:
✅ Help them set small, low-risk steps to test the waters before making major commitments.
✅ Ask open-ended questions to help them think critically about obstacles.
✅ Gently introduce alternative paths that align with their strengths.
The key is to trust the process. Most autistic emerging adults learn best through experience, not lectures. By allowing them to explore, you empower them to course-correct in a way that is self-directed and maximizes their intrinsic motivation.
Concern #4: "What if they aren’t making progress fast enough?"
It’s natural to feel urgency when your child is behind their peers or you’re thinking about their long-term future. But remember: progress doesn’t have to be fast to be meaningful. It’s easy to feel anxious when you see their more neurotypical peers moving forward in ways your child hasn’t yet.
It’s important to remember that autism is a neurodevelopmental condition, which simply means their brain develops differently than the majority of people. They are literally on their own timeline.
If you feel panicked about their timeline, ask yourself:
Is the pressure coming from societal expectations rather than what my child actually needs?
Am I focusing on how far they have to go instead of celebrating how far they’ve come?
Can I trust that, with the right support, they can move forward at their own pace?
✅ What helps:
Focus on one step at a time instead of fixating on the big picture.
Measure progress in small wins—even tiny steps forward matter. A series of small wins combine to create momentum which leads to success in bigger goals.
Remind yourself that their timeline may look different—but progress is still possible.
Some autistic adults need more time to recover from burnout before they can focus on progress.
Others need to experiment with different interests before finding the right path. Many need to gradually increase their level of responsibility rather than being pushed too fast. If you focus on their progress, not society’s expectations, you’ll start to see small wins that build over time.
The Bottom Line: There’s Always a Way Forward
Every autistic emerging adult is capable of growth. Their path may not look like their peers’, and the journey may take longer than expected, but progress is possible with the right approach.
If their goals don’t match yours, start where they are.
If they don’t have goals, help them discover them.
If their goals seem unrealistic, guide them toward real-world learning.
If they aren’t moving fast enough, focus on small, consistent progress.
The SBN™ parenting framework gives you the tools to support, encourage, and guide your child toward a meaningful, productive life—without repeatedly pushing them into shutdown or damaging your relationship.
Final Encouragement: Progress is Always Possible
If you’ve made it this far, you might still have lingering doubts. You might be thinking:
“But what if my child never becomes independent?”
“What if they stay stuck forever?”
“What if I’ve already tried everything and nothing has worked?”
I want to remind you that progress is always possible. It might not happen on the timeline you expected. It might not look the way you originally envisioned. But that doesn’t mean your child is incapable of growth. It just means they need a different kind of support to move forward.
You Are Not Alone in This Journey
Parenting an autistic emerging adult can feel isolating, especially when the world seems to misunderstand your struggles. But you are not alone in this. There are:
💡 Other parents who are walking the same path
💡 Professionals like the coaches at Thrive Autism Coaching who can help guide you
💡 Resources and strategies that can make a real difference
You don’t have to figure everything out today. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just need to take one step at a time—and trust that progress will come. And make sure to review part one of this two-part series for details on the SBN™ parenting framework.
Want more guidance?
Sign up to learn about what's happening with my upcoming book “Parenting for Independence: Overcoming Failure to Launch in Autistic Emerging Adults.” I go deep into how the SBN™ parenting framework works and how to apply it.
Consider joining the next cohort of Parenting for Independence, my group coaching program that helps parents implement the SBN™ parenting framework.
If you just can’t wait, consider working one-on-one with one of our parent coaches who is certified by Head Coach Patty Laushman in the SBN™ parenting framework. You can schedule a complimentary consultation to explore this option here.
You’re not alone, and you’re not out of options. There is a way forward—and you and your child can walk it together collaboratively!