By Patty Laushman
If your autistic emerging adult is struggling to move forward in life—whether with school, work, or basic daily responsibilities—you’re not alone. Many parents feel frustrated and even scared as they watch their emerging adult child failing to launch while their peers and siblings are gaining increased independence. You may have tried everything—encouragement, tough love, setting consequences—only to feel like nothing is working.
Here’s the truth: Your child is not failing, and you are not failing as a parent. The real issue isn’t a lack of motivation or effort—it’s that traditional parenting approaches don’t always work for autistic emerging adults.
Unfortunately, parents often get blamed when their child is failing to launch. You’ve probably heard things like:
You’re too easy on them.
They just need more discipline.
Just take away their computer and make them get a job.
But punishment-based tactics don’t address the real reasons your child is struggling. They don’t create progress—they just create more shame. Autism parenting strategies just need to be a little different than what works for more neurotypical emerging adults.
What to do when your autistic emerging adult is failing to launch
The good news? There is a way forward. I’m going to share here the SBN™ parenting framework I created which helps parents of autistic emerging adults help their child build confidence, gain skills, and move toward a more fulfilling and self-sufficient life—on their own terms.
I will introduce you to the key components of the SBN™ parenting framework and show you how shifting your approach can unlock your child’s potential and help them take charge of their future. Please know that progress is possible—and it starts here.
Why Traditional Approaches Don’t Work with Autism and Failure to Launch
Many professionals and well-meaning friends and family members believe they know what parenting style is best for autism, and they offer advice based on the assumption that your child’s struggles are the result of poor parenting, a lack of discipline, or insufficient consequences.
The core message? “You just need to be tougher on them.”
One expert who trains mental health therapists in how to help parents of emerging adults who are failing to launch claims that if an emerging adult is struggling, it’s because their parents have failed to enforce boundaries and consequences. He argues that parents have been too lenient, have coddled their child, or have shielded them from experiencing “natural consequences.”
In some cases, this is true, but when the emerging adult is autistic, this type of advice leads desperate parents to try things that don’t work like:
Taking away screens, gaming systems, or access to the Internet to “force” motivation
Setting harsh ultimatums like, “Get a job by the end of the month or move out”
Lecturing, shaming, or comparing their child to peers who are further along
Withholding financial support in the hopes it will create urgency
The problem with these approaches is that they don’t address the failure to launch causes that autistic emerging adults typically struggle with. If your autistic emerging adult is already overwhelmed, burned out, or unsure of how to move forward, adding more pressure doesn’t create motivation.
When faced with unrealistic expectations of their parents and others around them, rather than getting unstuck, many autistic individuals experience:
Increased anxiety and executive functioning struggles
A deeper sense of failure and learned helplessness
Shutdowns or withdrawing even further
Instead of helping them gain confidence and skills, these approaches also often damage the parent-child relationship and make progress even harder.
The Truth About Motivation and Growth
Your autistic emerging adult wants to move forward, or at a very minimum, they want to feel like they can. But their path to self-sufficiency may look different than what society expects. They don’t need more punishment—they need a framework that supports their growth, builds their confidence, and helps them develop skills in a way that works for them.
That’s where the SBN™ parenting framework comes in. Instead of focusing on what they aren’t doing, it focuses on actions parents can take in collaboration with their child to help them create momentum, build confidence, and acquire skills.
Let’s take a look at how this framework can help you support your child while also protecting your own mental health.
What Parenting Style is Best for Autism and Failure to Launch?
Traditional parenting approaches often focus on control and consequences, but autistic emerging adults need something different. Instead of being pushed into action through external pressure, they need support that activates their intrinsic motivation and helps them develop skills at a pace that works for them.
The SBN™ parenting framework is designed to do just that. It consists of four key components:
Their Goals: Helping them define and pursue their own vision for their future
Support: Providing the kind of help that activates intrinsic motivation and doesn’t squelch their existing motivation
Boundaries: Protecting your own energy and mental health
Nudges: Encouraging them to take small steps outside their comfort zone so they can acquire new skills that enable them to build the life they are seeking
These four elements work together to create momentum, helping your child develop self-sufficiency in a way that feels safe, achievable, and sustainable.
How The Components Work Together
Imagine a Venn diagram where all four components overlap.
Their Goals are at the center.
Support strengthens your relationship with them.
Boundaries protect your energy.
Nudges help them grow.
Where support and their goals overlap, intrinsic motivation is activated and your relationship grows and deepens. Rather than their authoritative parent, you become their trusted collaborator, the answer to the question, “What parenting style is best for autism?”
Where boundaries or nudges overlap with their goals, growth toward self-sufficiency develops. This framework creates forward progress, and even though there will still be occasional setbacks, it can help you short-circuit demand avoidance.
If you’re enjoying this, you might be interested in my upcoming book “Parenting for Independence: Overcoming Failure to Launch in Autistic Emerging Adults.” The book goes deep into how to apply the framework. You can sign up to stay in the know about what's happening here!
Let’s go deeper into each of the components.
1. Their Goals: The Center of Everything
The starting point for real progress is understanding what your child actually wants for their life—not just what you want for them.
Why it matters:
Autistic individuals (as well as humans in general) thrive when their own interests and motivations drive their actions.
Their goals are the key to activating their intrinsic motivation.
Focusing on your goals often makes them feel broken and hopeless that they will never be successful and can contribute to keeping them stuck.
How to uncover their goals:
Ask open-ended questions: “What do you enjoy learning about?” or “How would you like your life to be different in five years than it is today?”
Use declarative language: Instead of asking direct, imperative questions (which can be overwhelming), try using declarative language and say something like: “I wonder if you’d enjoy working somewhere that involves technology.”
Offer a menu of options: Some autistic individuals struggle to generate ideas because they literally don’t know what is available or what they want, so presenting a list of possible paths can help them clarify their interests.
If your child says they don’t have goals, don’t panic—this just means they need more support in discovering them, which we’ll cover in part two of this two-part series.
2. Support: Helping With Permission
Support in the SBN™ parenting framework is about empowering your child to take action rather than doing things for them.
What support looks like:
✅ Helping them break down big goals into achievable steps
✅ Providing resources, e.g., books, courses, job listings without pressuring them
✅ Encouraging them while respecting their boundaries
✅ Connecting them with mentors, professionals, or peers who can offer help and insight
What support does NOT look like:
🚫 Holding them accountable to your expectations or society’s expectations
🚫 Taking over responsibilities they are capable of handling
🚫 Insisting on helping them without their prior permission -- this actually deactivates motivation!
🚫 Shielding them from discomfort instead of helping them navigate challenges
The goal is to support them in building real skills—not just to make things easier for them or you in the short term. Obviously, there will be times when a task cannot reasonably wait, and it’s okay to take charge, but you must realize that you are making a choice in that moment to get something done rather than invest in your child’s development toward greater self-sufficiency.
3. Boundaries: Protecting Your Own Energy and Mental Health
Parents often exhaust themselves from supporting their autistic emerging adult children. Most parents thought they would be pretty much done parenting, or at least things would be winding down rather than sometimes getting even harder! Your energy and well-being matter too.
It’s not completely intuitive how boundaries overlap with their goals, so let me spell it out for you. If you don’t have the energy or mental well-being to continue supporting them, you will not be able to continue supporting them in achieving their goals. It’s the classic metaphor of putting on your own oxygen mask before you help your child.
Boundaries allow you to:
Preserve your own energy and mental health so you can continue being supportive of their goals
Model for them what healthy relationships look like so they can take that into their future relationships
Help your child take greater responsibility for their life and build important skills where they can do so
Reduce your frustration and resentment
Examples of healthy boundaries:
Setting clear expectations for household responsibilities, e.g., chores, working toward their future if they live at home, or covering their phone expenses
Putting limits on your emotional labor—you shouldn’t be their therapist—you can insist they work with an autism-informed professional
Choosing when and how you offer help, rather than being available on demand
Boundaries don’t mean withdrawing support. They mean creating a healthier dynamic where you and your child both feel respected and can get your needs met.
4. Nudges: Encouraging Growth
In the SBN™ parenting framework, nudges are small, strategic pushes that encourage your child to take action that will result in them expanding their comfort zone and acquiring new skills, skills needed to create the kind of life they want for themself.
Why nudges work:
Autistic individuals often experience a significant need for “sameness” due to the way their brains are wired.
Anything outside their comfort zone is, by definition, different, and often perceived as highly uncomfortable or even dangerous, which can trigger anxiety.
Being nudged slightly outside their comfort zone helps them expand their comfort zone and acquire new skills that increase the size of their world and possibilities.
Gradual exposure to new challenges builds confidence and skills over time.
Examples of effective nudges:
“I could really use help preparing dinner two nights a week. I’m going to show you how to cook your favorite dinners so you will know how to do this when you move out. Which nights would you like to help me?”
“Last summer, you spent the whole summer on the couch. This summer, you need to do something career- or future-focused at least 20 hours per week. I’m happy to help you figure out what you want to do and then help you do it.”
“I know you want to move out someday, and driving is going to be critical to getting and keeping a job that enables you to do this. Would you rather learn to drive with me, or would you feel more comfortable with a professional driving instructor?”
When you respect their comfort zone while strategically expanding it, you create momentum. There will be resistance though! Resistance is part of the process and does not mean you are doing something wrong.
The Key to Overcoming Autism and Failure to Launch
As you apply the SBN™ parenting framework, you begin shifting the dynamic of your relationship from you as the authoritative parent to their trusted collaborator. When you prioritize their goals, provide the right kind of support (with prior permission), set boundaries, and give strategic nudges, your autistic emerging adult can begin to move forward toward the life they hope to create.
In part two of this two-part series, I’ll tackle some of the most common concerns parents have when they first learn about the SBN™ parenting framework—including what to do if your child doesn’t seem to have any goals.
Want more guidance?
Sign up to learn what's happening with my upcoming book, “Parenting for Independence: Overcoming Failure to Launch in Autistic Emerging Adults.” I go deep into how the SBN™ parenting framework works and how to apply it.
Consider joining the next cohort of Parenting for Independence, my group coaching program that helps parents implement the SBN™ parenting framework.
If you just can’t wait, consider working one-on-one with one of our parent coaches who is certified by Head Coach Patty Laushman in the SBN™ parenting framework. You can schedule a complimentary consultation to explore this option here.